F is for Friendship-Prov 17:17

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Prov 17:17).

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov 18:24b).

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (Jn 15:15).

Live out the gospel in life and community. In our sermon series on Practical Christian Living–the ABCs, we pray to live out the gospel through the themes covered so far: A is for Accountability, B is for Beauty, C is for Community, D is for Delight, E is for Experience, F is for Father and F is for Freedom. Today, we consider how to live out the gospel in life and community through friendship, a not so easy endeavor. The three parts are:

1. Why we need friends.
2. How we fail to make friends.
3. What a friend is.

Theme: A true friend is HOT: honest, open, transparent. True friends stab you in the front.  They allow themselves to be vulnerable. They always let you in and never let you down.

I. Why We Need Friends

Proverbs perhaps has the best verses on friendship (Prov 17:17; 18:24; 25:17; 27:5-6, 9, 14, 17). If we are willing to honestly and humbly admit it, we human beings all need friends…desperately. C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves: “We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.” Why do we need friends? It is because we are created in the very image of the triune God (Gen 1:26-27), who is the perfect community and the epitome of friendship. Also, in the garden of Eden, “the Lord God … was walking in the garden in the cool of the day” (Gen 3:8). To walk with someone is to be their friend. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not only best friends themselves, but God created us humans to be friends with us, and ourselves with each other. No one’s life will be fulfilling or deeply satisfying without friendship with God and with others.

We need friends. But growing up I resisted and denied that I needed any friends. I wanted to feel and to be independant of anyone, everyone and everything. I would recite to myself, “I don’t need nothin’ and nobody!” My favorite lyrics were from a song by Simon and Garfunkel, “I am a rock, I am an island. If I never loved I never would have cried.” Needless to say I felt lonely and I was not happy. Yet I refused to reveal my inner self, and did my utmost best to display the image of a totally self-sufficient man who does not need anyone or anything.

The quality of every person’s life is directly proportional to the quality of the friendships that they have. If you have even one good friend, your life may be happy to no end. But if you lack even one true friendship, life becomes difficult, if not unbearable. Loneliness grows, since there is no one friend that you have to share with what is in the depth of your heart.

II. How We Fail To Make Friends

Why people who want friends fail to make friends? They do not realize that friendship cannot be created but must be discovered. In his sermon on Friendship, Tim Keller paraphrased Ralph Waldo Emerson as saying, “Friendship does not ask ‘Do you love me?’ so much as ‘Do you see the same truth?’” In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis says, “The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!” “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’” It is true that birds of a feather flock together. I like anyone who loves cats since I adore my three cats. We discover a friend through common interests. Most of my closest friends are either in UBF or they have left UBF. We have so much stories and shared experiences in common that we can talk for hours and hours on end. Lewis further explains, “…though we can have erotic love and friendship for the same person yet in some ways nothing is less like a Friendship than a love-affair. Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.” What makes a friend is not “Do you want to be my friend?” Rather, it is the discovery of “You, too. You experienced the same problems, too? You love cats, too? I thought I was the only one.” Thus, a friend is discovered. Lewis says, “That is why those pathetic people who simply “want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question “Do you see the same truth?” would be “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend,” no Friendship can arise – though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers.”

We view friends as a means rather than as an end. For several decades after becoming a Christian I would regard someone as a friend only if they would come to church and Bible study, so that I could convert them to be a Christian and a Bible teacher. If they had little to no interest in Christianity, the Bible or the church, I would have little interest or motivation to be their friend. I would do my best to tolerate them and humor them, while hoping that they would not bother me too much. I rarely ever saw friends and friendship for anything other than to convert, evangelize or disciple them. I realize that we make very poor friends if we do not value people for who they are, and only regard them as a means that will benefit us in some way.

III. What A Friend Is

What is a good friend like? What are the marks of a good friend? Consider the following attributes that characterize a good friend (adapted from Derek Kidner, Proverbs, TOTC, 1964):

1. Constancy (companionship). Unconditionally is the way a friend loves (Prov 17:17). They stick closer than kin (Prov 18:24). Like God, they are with you and never leave you (Mt 28:20; Heb 13:5; Jer 31:3; Deut 31:6), especially in times of adversity when fairweather friends vanish.
2. Candor. Sharing everything, even secrets (Jn 15:15). Willing to risk hurting you for your good (Prov 27:5-6; 28:23). They speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15). They are “always full of grace, seasoned with salt” (Col 4:6).
3. Counsel (comfort and correction). Giving heartfelt counsel. Refreshes (Prov 27:9) and rebukes you (Prov 27:17). Cheers and comforts you (1 Sam 18:3) as well as challenges and corrects you (2 Sam 12:1-15; Ps 141:5).
4. Consideration (Carefulness). Not forcing or imposing one’s friendship (Prov 27:14), overstaying one’s welcome (Prov 25:17), inappropriate (Prov 25:20) or deceptive (Prov 26:18-19).

1) Constancy

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” Henri Nouwen.

• “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Prov 17:17). “All times” does not mean all the time, for “too much of you, and they will hate you” (Prov 25:17). “All times” means all kinds of times, both good times and bad times. Constancy means availability, even when the chips are down. Fair weather friends are not friends.
• “There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother” (Prov 18:24, NLT). A friend will not let you go to ruin. Most people make friends with those who are useful to them.
• God is our truest and ultimate friend (Mt 28:20; Heb 13:5; Jer 31:3; Deut 31:6).

2) Candor (Truth telling)

“True friends stab you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900, Irish writer, poet).

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 BC – 65 AD, Roman Stoic philosopher, statesman).

• “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (Jn 15:15).
• “An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy” (Prov 27:5-6, NLT). Contrast friendly wounds with wounding kisses. The wounds of a friend are meant to cut to the heart for the good of the person. Though the kisses of an enemy may appease the heart at present, it ignores the issues and is not beneficial in the long run.
• “In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery” (Prov 28:23, NLT). Moliere (French playwright and actor) said, “The greater one’s love for a person the less room for flattery. The proof of true love is to be unsparing in criticism.”
• “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church” (Eph 4:15, NLT).
• “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Col 4:6).
• Be HOT: honest, open and transparent.
• Flattery never helps anyone: “To flatter friends is to lay a trap for their feet” (Prov 29:5, NLT).

3) Counsel

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Albert Schweitzer.

• “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Prov 27:9, NLT). Counsel has the meaning of secret. It makes one vulnerable. A good friend is one who is willing and able to give good advice that encourages and inspires.
• “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (Prov 27:17, NLT). Interaction with a good friend hones one’s skill in handling chalenges.
• Jonathan cheered and comforted David (1 Sam 18:3).
• Nathan challenged and corrected David when he was trapped in sin (1 Sam 12:1-15).
• A true friend truly refreshes and rebukes his friend. He brings forth peace and pleasure as well as pain and punishment when appropriate.

4) Consideration

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” Henri Nouwen.

“An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.” Unknown.

• “If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse” (Prov 27:14). A friend should be tactful and not obnoxious. They do not impose themselves.
• “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house—too much of you, and they will hate you” (Prov 25:17). Too much of a good thing is not a good thing. Respect each others boundaries.
• “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart” (Prov 25:20). A good friend is not insensitive but considerate of their friend’s situation.
• “Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’” (Prov 26:18-19). A friend does not deceive others as a joke without concern for the consequences.

A true friend always lets you in and never lets you down. Such a friend is trasparent and vulnerable. They expresses candor and counsel (always lets you in), as well as constancy and consideration or carefulness (never lets you down). But where do we find such a friend? A true friend might be so rare that Thomas Fuller (Christian, historian, author, UK) said, “If you have one true friend you have more than your share.” The sad truth as to why we might not have many friends is that we may not be great friends ourselves. We fear letting our guard down to be transparent and vulnerable. It is not easy to let others into our weaknesses and brokenness. I do not like letting others see the moments when I am weak and wounded and hurt. I’d rather express how tough I am, even if I am not. It is also not easy to be a friend to one who is in need, or to one who has hurt and disappointed us. It’s a lot easier to let them down because our own hearts may be too weak or unwilling to bear the emotional cost of continuing in that friendship where you seem to loose more than you gain.

How can we be the friends we need to be in order to have the friends we need to have? Jesus is our true friend who always lets us in and never lets us down. He loves us at all times (Prov 17:17). He sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18:24). Our good friends, in brokeness and vulnerability, may wound us in order to help us. Thus, “wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Prov 27:6). But Jesus our friend did not wound us but took our wounds upon himself (Isa 53:5; 1 Pet 2:24). On the cross, bearing our wounds, Jesus lost his friendship with the Father, so that we might become friends with God.

We need friends that are most like us and most unlike us. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote in his essay on Friendship: “Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt (between) likeness and unlikeness. Better be a nettle (plant with stinging hairs) in the side of your friend than his echo. The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it. That high office requires great and sublime parts. There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them.” Plutarch (Greek historian, biographer, and essayist) said, “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” But most people gravitate only toward those who are most like themselves. They become each others’ echo and shadow, and shun those unlike themselves. Such “friendships” tend to be one dimentional, rather than deep and rich; they tend to be boring and predictable, rather than mysterious and glorious. Jesus is our true friend because he condescended himself to be friends with those who are most unlike him. When we know the riches of Jesus’ friendship for us, God enables us to be the friend that we should be to others.

Make Jesus the friend your heart desires and you will have all the friends your heart needs.

References:

1. Quotes from The Four Loves by CS Lewis.
2. Friendship: Sermon by Tim Keller explaining Prov 17:17; 18:24; 25:20; 27:5-6, 9, 17 and quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson and C.S. Lewis.

Questions for Reflection:

1. Why do we human beings need friends (Gen 1:26-27; 3:8)?
2. Why do so many who want friends fail to make friends (Prov 27:14; 25:17, 20; 26:18-19)?
3. What is a good friend like? Consider these verses that suggest:
4. Constancy – Prov 17:17; 18:24.
5. Candor – Prov 27:5-6; 28:23; Eph 4:15; Col 4:6.
6. Counsel – Prov 27:9; 27:17.
7. Considerateness – Prov 27:14; 25:17, 20; 26:18-19.
8. Why is Jesus our truest friend (Isa 53:5; 1 Pet 2:24; cf. Prov 27:6; Jn 15:15)?